Saturday 15 October 2011

9

A comedy of errors

I know, my internet woes are very boring. Each day this week it's been cut off an hour earlier than the day before and I was starting to worry that eventually it would be cut off before I actually had it and a whopping great hole would be ripped in the Time-Space Continuum and before you know it it's the apocalypse again. So I called Virgin this morning. Hereby follows a (fairly) accurate representation of my experience:

Virgin robot: Press one for..... press six for.... please enter character four.... press five for.... press six for.... press two for.... press nine for... please enter character one..... press two for.... press four for.... press one for.... press six for....
Me: Press. Press. Press. Press. Press. Press. Press. Press.

While I am on hold, other people* have breakfast:



Technician one: Hello, how can I help you?
Me: I have terrible internet problems blah blah blah...
Technician one: Okay, let me somehow take over your computer so you are embarrassed you when you realise what sites you have open.
Me: Okay.
Technician one: I have fixed everything. It all works now.
Me: Oh really?
Technician one: I have fixed everything. It all works now. Goodbye.

After hanging up the phone, I confirm that the internet does not actually work. Let's start the process over. Meanwhile, some people take out their garbage.



Technician two: Hello, how can I help you?
Me: I have terrible internet problems blah blah blah... Your colleague told me he fixed it but he didn't.
Technician two: Okay, see that blue light on your computer, is it on?
Me: Yes.
Technician two: Great, your computer is on.
Me: --
Technician two: See that green light on the monitor, is it on?
Me: Yes.
Technician two: Great, your monitor is on. You can see things, right?
Me: --
Technician two: See that green light on the router, is that on?
Me: Yes.
Technician two: You have the internet. Is there anything else I can do to help?
Me: I don't have the internet.
Technician two: You have a problem with your computer.
Me: No I don't. Every single device has the same problem at the same time.
Technician two: When you fix your computer, the rest of your devices will start working.
Me: That is not even possible.
Technician two: I am transferring you to the 'It's Not Me, It's You' department.

Meanwhile, other people are on the phone too....


Person three: Hello, how can I help you?
Me: I have terrible internet problems blah blah blah...
Person three: Can I have your account details?
Me: Blah blah blah.
Person three: You do not have an account with us.
Me: You are a joker.
Person three: I'm going to have to transfer you back to the beginning. Ask whoever answers to 'warm transfer' you back to me.

Person four: Hello, how can I help you?
Me: The last person I spoke to told me to tell you to 'warm transfer' me back to him.
Person four: What is this thing you speak of?
Me: No idea.
Person four: Well, who were you speaking to?
Me: I don't even know what is going on.
Person four: I'm going to transfer you.

Meanwhile, in another part of the world....



Person five: Hello, how can I help you?
Me: You could come to my house and stab me to death.
Person five: Ma'am?
Me: I have terrible internet problems blah blah blah...
Person five: I'm not authorised to speak to you as you are a 50mb customer. I will transfer you.

Person six: Hello, how can I help you?
Me: I have terrible internet problems blah blah blah... You are the fifth person I have spoken to during this epic one hour and thirty minute conversation.
Person six: It is a known fault in your area.
Me: ARE YOU KIDDING ME DID YOU ACTUALLY ADMIT THAT
Person six: There has been a fault for ages.
Me: I KNOW THAT I HAVE TOLD EVERYONE THAT
Person six: Your internet loses its connection constantly.
Me: THIS IS A JOKE I AM ON CANDID CAMERA

*Disclaimer for legal types: Any resemblance to real people, be they Richard Branson or not, is purely coincidental.

9 comments:

  1. Did they ACTUALLY say that??? Unbelievable. When we had internet problems a couple of weeks ago, spent hours on phone to Virgin trying to sort it out. What they failed to notice was that someone had actually cut through broadband cable and the whole village had no internet. Still, I have a nice new router now...!

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  2. You are now a star of a film of your life: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pwC2ThH1_D0&feature=youtube_gdata_player

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  3. I hope you don't mind but I just tweeted Richard Branson with a link to your post! Go straight to the top I say!! We need this blog working again.

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  4. We have had no problems with talk talk, maybe time for a change......!

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  5. I had similar conversations trying to get broad-band set up originally....so I know it's not really funny, but is it ok that I smiled a little?

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  6. SWITCH FROM VIRGIN.
    You really shouldn't be putting up with their ridiculous service any more, let alone paying them money for it. Is there any particular reason you're persevering, or are you just some kind of crazy interweb masochist? ;)

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  7. i feel your pain. our internet is alledgedly (?sp) being connected properly tomorrow.
    i chuckled at someones suggestion to switch. it took us around 4 weeks to get the mac/ pac code thingy you need so you can switch

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  8. I'm so sorry you had to go through that. I feel your pain. I had the phone company tell me our home built 60 years ago, and lived in the entire time w/active phone lines, didn't exist so they could not reactivate the phone line. After days on the cell I finally walked in with pictures of the home, screen shots from Google maps, mail, etc. Such a nightmare.

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  9. Oh my Dog! Is it poor form to laugh so much at your misfortune? Sorry ... I like your swimsuit tutorial and hopefully when I finish my uni semester in 10 DAYS I will be able to do something else!
    Did Richard get back to you after Sew Scrumptious tweeted?

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